Bagels and Schmear Campaign

What is up with The Bagel Club on Park Avenue in Long Beach? True, their sumptuous chewy rings bathed in everything seeds or raisins are perhaps some of the best bagels this bubbala has ever bitten into. But this isn't a Jamaican joint, so what's up with all the jerk?

On a recent afternoon trip, we ordered half a dozen, an everything with lox cream cheese, and an elaborate sandwich of chicken, BBQ sauce, and various cheese. We wanted it on a hero, long, lean, easy to share and clutch in one hand. The hero option was prominent on the menu. The dough boy behind the counter gave us a withering look and informed us there were no heros. We asked what our choices were. Call us naive for thinking there may be other breads, if after all, there were supposed to be heros. It was just a question. But dripping like curdled butter in the nooks and crannies of our souls he condescended: "Bagels."

Fine. We got a sandwich on a bagel. Not ideal, too big of a mouthful, but fine. Do we hate this place? Almost, but then maybe the dough boy is having a bad day. Then we overhear a conversation between a man buying a chocolate muffin and the register boy. "Um, excuse me, but you rang me up for $1.95 but the price board says $1.75." The register boy rudely replies, "We changed the prices. It costs more now." Twenty freaking cents?????

C'mon Bagel Club employees. Get with the program. We like our lox salty, not our waitstaff.

free lunch, not free of indigestion

Granted, I didn't have to pay anything. And no one made me eat it. But when the best part of your lunch is the bag of Sun Chips that came with it, I think you have a strong case for concluding you've just been served a crappy meal.

To publicize one of our books, radio station XXXX hosted a luncheon at the China Club for one hundred "lucky" listeners to dine with the author. Several of my coworkers and I agreed to attend. After I entered and my eyes adjusted to the sad horror that is China Club in the daytime, I realized that a suspicious number of people were carrying paper plates and plastic cups back to their seats. With a sinking heart, I went to investigate what was on the platters lined up along the bar:

+ Ham and cheese on croissant
+ Roast beef and cheese on croissant
+ Potato salad
+ Sugar, oatmeal raisin, and chocolate chip cookies
+ Sun Chips (assorted flavors)
+ Miss Vickie's potato chips (assorted flavors)

I went with a roast beef croissant, an oatmeal cookie, a spoonful of potato salad, and a bag of Sun Chips. The croissant was soggy, pale, and cold; inside, two small gray slices of roast beef were clumped up against a single slice of pale, waxy cheese. I added a dollop of mustard, hoping that by the time the combination reached my mouth it would have somehow transformed into a delicious sandwich. 'Course, we all know how that one went.

I only needed to place one experimental forkful of potato salad in my mouth to conclude that it wasn't worth eating; it could have (and probably did) come straight out of some industrial-sized plastic tub with a foil seal. The cookie was okay, though very sweet and heavy. I called it quits and opened up my bag of Sun Chips. There's one thing to be said for processed snack food, and it's that the stuff is at least generally tasty. And when you're stuck sitting at a table in a club way past its prime, trying to resign yourself to the queasiness you'll feel later from eating a meal that doesn't contain a single fresh ingredient, it somehow turns into the only saving grace of a truly terrible lunch.

Egg Custard King (of suckiness)

I don't understand the raves this place gets. Is there an optimal window of 5 minutes daily when you can go and actually have a decent egg custard here and I just happen to miss out?

Maybe the Portuguese style is the lone redeemer here. But damn, last time I had the flavored versions (strawberry, banana, and almond) I wanted to puke from the obviously synthetic flavorings. My bubblicious tastes like fresh-picked strawberries compared to that shit.

So please don't buy me this junk when you come over to my house. I received a box from somebody and felt almost guilty tossing it in the trash. Do a FOB right, just buy me some dragon's beard candy.

brown water with a side of dumbass

so I moved to Park Slope about half a year ago. I know, boo hiss, Park Slope stroller brigade and all that, but I got a back yard so eat it. So I moved to Park Slope about half a year ago and as a result I've got enough sub par overpriced places in the hood to go on about for for a while.

I'm going to start with a coffee shop right around the corner from my house. This "neighborhood institution" has been slanging "insipid doo doo water" for something like 25 years. Really? 25 years? Do people in New York really have such a base palate for a good cup of coffee that they would support this suck shop for that long? (No offense guys but those coffee carts are straight nasty, an old colleague said he saw a line of these carts of doo filling up their water from a hose at the Jersey side of the Holland Tunnel.)

So the coffee is watered down. Now we get to the stumbling morons behind the counter. What the fuck with the having to repeat my order three times every time I went it? And while we're at it, if you are going to work at a coffee shop and English isn't your first language, I'm gonna go ahead and suggest you learn the word Espresso. That's just me though.

Yeah so I got a tip for the "counter intelligence" at Ozzie's (it just sounds like a suck joint!), shit off with a side of eat it...bitches.

Next week, that bagel place that sells sushi.

paris sandwich - shoulda known better

so I was walking around chinatown and chanced upon this place; heard about it but I don't remember what; I figured in my chowish-ness that I might as well see what it's about it. supposed to sell banh mi but looked like a bright yellow HK-style franchise place. I walk inside; lo and behold, it's a bright yellow HK-style franchise place. actual digital cash registers, professionalism, racks of baguettes behind the cashier, but no banh mi or fixins in sight. No middle-aged ladies gossiping while stuffing fresh sandwiches, just a long narrow space with the counter in front. I place an order for the paris special (the typical combo) and am told to go towards the pickup counter in the back.

I step back and that's where the assembly area is, except there's no assembling going on. there's a pimple-ridden adolescent who lifts a curtain underneath the bread toasters where they've stacked dozens of sandwiches, and not more than 20 seconds after I placed my initial order, I'm walking out the door with a cold sandwich in my hands. I knew this was gonna suck, but I went for it anyway; cold soggy bread, pathetic fillings, nothing fresh, and just sitting around for a half-a-day; pretty much the worst banh mi I've ever had (and I've ordered them from pho restaurants, so I've definitely had some bad ones). I threw away one half of the baguette, ripped the other half in two, and had myself a double-stuffed bad banh mi half, which equated (only in terms of quantity, and nowhere near in terms of quality) a half a sandwich from the jade store place less than a block away.

ya, this place sucks and the yelps pretty much say the same. besides, who cares, I'll trek it to ba xuyen anyway.

corporate cafeteria misnomers abound

The setting: Credit Suisse corporate cafeteria. I'm visiting a friend, and the day's special station is "noodle bar." I take a look: "Pad Thai" (made with fettuccine); "Malaysian noodles" (made with fusilli); "Chinese sesame noodles" (made with linguini); and "Soba salad" (amazingly, made with actual soba noodles). Curious, I fill a plastic container with soba and some of the Malaysian noodles. I also get some random items from the salad bar: marinated mozzarella, potato and sausage salad, and "Waldorf" wild rice salad.

The soba goes to mush between my molars and the dominant taste is of salt and flavorless grease. A few stray flecks of carrot and some other forgettable shredded veg play the part of "salad." The Malaysian noodles are only slightly better than the soba salad, just as mushy but at least carrying a vague soy sauce and peanut flavor along with the grease. The mozzarella manages to be completely texture alone, having absolutely no taste when I chew it, and the other salads are no better. This is what these high-powered bankers eat? I feel even more glad I chose to avoid working in finance.

Tarallucci "eh" Vino

With all the comments on their "great panini" floating around, when I have lunch there I order what is listed on the menu as "Filet of Tuna, Artichoke Hearts, Mayo." What I get is ciabatta layered with what looks and tastes like Bumblebee canned tuna (in water) topped with chopped artichoke hearts and tasteless mayo. I could have gone to my local supermarket and made this on my own. My friend's dish, buckwheat noodles with shitake mushrooms and broccoli rabe, is decent but somewhat bland. Apparently their strong spot is their pastry; this will have to be tested another time.

pink, berry bad

If I wanted to see a fat Polish guy with a skinny, almost hot girl, tip the door guy a fiver to get in (and another one on the way out), I would have stayed in L.A.

After catching a total of 3 notes of classical music at the Philharmonic in the Park and some fireworks blocked by trees and fat New Yorkers, it was a friend's decision to introduce us to Pinkberry. From the sound of it, we imagined sweet yet simple yogurt oozing from an angel's teat only to capture the most luscious of fruits and Cap'n Crunch nugglets on the way down to our mouths. Walking 5 avenues and arriving 10 minutes before closing, we are presented with a line of 25 people waiting to suck from the very same bosom of Pink, before she shuts her doors for a much needed rest and refill.

Excitement is brewing as we discuss the multitude of topping combinations, from Fruity Pebbles to mango to lychee. I overlook the price for the time-being.

Finally, our turn. A small (I'm not falling for that shit) cup, plain yogurt, rasberries, cookies'n'cream.

Three meaningful letters come to mind as the cool divinity dissolves on the tongue... W - T - F.

On Hate: this might as well be white ice, it's cold and has no creaminess whatsoever. Sure, if you're into JAPs in Hardtail sweatpants thinking that Pinkberry is the way to lose their muffintops just in time for next weekend's trip to the Hamptons (probably more like Quogue), staying in a pseudo frat house with 13 of similar species who all complain about being too fat because Pinkberry is so good, then this is the place for you. OK, the fruit was fresh (at least by NY's standards) and the cookies'n'cream had chocolate in it.

Now it's impossible to overlook the cost. Plus, seeing my friend's large with an igloo-sized hollow center didn't help the cause. Back to the Polish guy, the door was now closed and we are outside, enter scene from Guido nightclub: At first he tried the typical "I was already in line," but in the end had to bust out a Lincoln. I estimate he got out of there just under $20 for one medium-sized cup of poop, but he'll be paying for it for the rest of his life.

Save your time, your money, and most importantly, your reputation. There's a reason Korea is shoveling this icey shit on us.

uncle nick's gives greek a bad name

so we defaulted to Uncle Nick's in hell's kitchen (the restaurant proper and not the ouzaria) for our group of 8 which shrank to 6. I had caught dessert there last year and it was actually quite good (galactaburekos on point, greek yogurt with honey and walnuts delicious) but never for dinner. ended up having for the table a selection of cold dips (tasting straight out the Sabra container, which is a complement to Sabra), a large greek salad (absolutely delicious), a couple orders of beef kebabs, and a couple orders of the gyro and pork souvlaki platter. I saw a few orders of ribs on the way in and upon asking what looked like a satisfied diner how his ribs were, he replied that his wife's stuffed cabbage was much better; he ate the whole things just to eat it. great.

the beef kebabs were tough as soft pine, maybe 2-1/2" cubes of gray beef that were basically ready to be braised the next day had we taken home the leftovers (some of us did). the gyro was generically street, if not overdone, and the pork souvlaki was probably the highlight meat. did we order a whole roasted fish? no. did we order the flaming saganaki? yes. does anyone care? not really; the place was bad.

the problem is, where are the casual greek places? Snack in the village is aight (much more homestyle), Gus' Place is aight, most of the other gyro joints (Karavas, anyone? We call that place the "deadtime" bar since its where we just kill time; the food is forgettable.) in manhattan are terrible, and then your alternative is all these goddamn michael psilakis places (he gets more play than david chang in the new york food media) which have dishes like "deconstructed" moussaka. come on now, I want my wanna-be-lasagna in one square at least. some of the other high-end places are good , but if that's the case, then I'd rather head out to Astoria or even Bayside.

anyway, bottom line: uncle nick's sucks.

Setagaya

Someone told me to check this place out. And when I read that New York piece where the manager kinda slights Momofuku: "Japanese people do not go to that place." I gave them a point just for that; yes, it was on like King Kong.

So on a stormy miserable Wednesday nite I gave it a go. At first I'm confused because the awning says "Pan-Asian" something or another. Turns out it's 2 restaurants in one space and the lay-out could not be more awkward.

The menu mentions salt a lot. Me, I don't care if my broth is flavored with salt, shoyu, or (gasp!) MSG, as long as deliciousness is present. The menu states that all sorts of fancy ingredients are in use, but my broth, no matter how long the magic potpourri was boiled, tasted like salt pork and not much else. No complexity, no nuance. The one positive was the coddled egg; it was not the hard-boiled-til-green-rings-form variety. The charshu is supposedly prepared on a charcoal grill, but I'll take Minca's fatty porky heaven any day. Minca just kicks this place's ass all around!

sanur - straight wizzack

so this place used to be good; or rather, it used to be called New Indonesia Malaysia Restaurant; located in that real twisty part of Chinatown (pell and doyers). probably my first introduction to malaysian food maybe 12 or 15 years ago and we would go during high school and get some great noodles and things. but now, with places like skyway available and even curry leaf, you'd think the place would step up their game. nope. we had:

+ roti canai
+ beef with salt cabbage over rice
+ gado gado
+ hokkien noodle in brown sauce

the roti canai was the worst kind, sort of in between the two extremes (dense and thick, like a scallion pancake, or large and crispy). this one was brittle, not enough oil or crispiness, felt like we were eating pappadam but greasier. not good. the curry didn't even have a chunk of chicken, just a lump of potato.

the gado gado was aight, but the most rudimentary; potatoes, bean sprouts, tofu, a couple shrimp chips, and a gang of peanut sauce. no crispy stuffed veg, no spice, just leaden sweetness.

the hokkien noodles were basically chinese stir-fried udon with a lot of soy sauce, but no soy sauce flavor. in fact, no flavor at all, except from the celery, the chunka tomato, some sliced fishcake and maybe water.

the beef over rice was probably the best dish but not even malaysian, more like 69-style, which is oh so good. sweet and sour, it was a real rice-killer.

so basically, sanur sucks. nowhere else to go for indonesian (borobudur cafe sucks, bali nusa indah is for gwailo, and you have trek to elmhurst for mie jakarta (decent) or minangasli (decent-er) if you want anything soulful or homestyle). as for malaysian, maybe new malaysia is the only decent place (in the alley just south of canal street, between bowery and elizabeth) aside from skyway (east east canal street).

Alma, eh

Mirsky was in town for a few days from LA and we thought it might be nice to sit outdoors and enjoy a view. P & P live in Carroll Gardens so the walk there would be a pleasant one.

The four of us arrive in the early early evening (5PM?) and there is maybe one table occupied on the roof. We mention that another person may be joining us and the hostess informs us that parties can not be seated til everyone has arrived. I want to protest, "It's 5PM, sista!" but she must recognize the idiocy of it soon enough because when we tell her that the 5th might not even show, she promptly leads us to a table.

The view is good. As good as from the outdoor seating of the cafe at the nearby Fairway.

Anyway, having only had an Italian soda acting as breakfast and lunch, I am friggin hungry. Chips are brought over and the waitress asks if we would like some guacamole. The guac ($8.75) is good. Nobody bothers with an appetizer 'cept me. Nothing really catches my eye, so ceviche pescado it is. It's ceviche that thinks it's gazpacho. Or, shrimp cocktail. No discernible citrus-y tartness, only gloppy sweet tomato sauce. And the worst thing is the shrimp are like 250/300 size, which kind of alerts me that the restaurant is trying to do things as cheaply as possible. The menu says there's scallops and snapper in there too, and i guess there is, but they're such tiny pieces you hardly notice. While I'm muttering to myself that even the fish soup stand at the Red Hook ballfields serves superior ceviche, I manage to eat it all anyway because that's what a good daughter of Communism does.

Next up: more shrimp. My main is some deep-fried shrimp. At least these are real shrimp and not sea monkeys. But the coating is akin to armor rather than fluffy tempura which is always preferable to my palate. I end up removing the shrimp from their batter jackets to assuage the monotony. There's some cole slaw on the plate and I end up nibbling it just for contrast.

No dessert. The meal is over. We all agree the food was okay at best. But we didn't really come expecting to be wowed so nobody is terribly disappointed. Note to self: More margaritas, less food next time I want to enjoy a view.

hate on, my brothers and sisters

now, I hate on a lot of things, but I still have favorites and the website Chowhound is my favorite (well, as long as CNET doesn't mangle it). But anyway, this is my favorite discussion so far.

pam real thai - two thumbs down

I used to eat here a lot, and I can only attribute how horrible the meal is to two things: either my palate has gotten better over the last few years or, the kitchen has gotten really really sloppy. I'd attribute it to the latter, and not the former. I ate there a few weeks; it was one of the worst thai meals I've ever had:

+ crispy pork - twice cooked pork belly, stir-fried with red pepper, basil, etc.
+ crispy duck - duck, also stir-fried with red pepper, basil, etc.
+ curry puffs - basically like samosa/curry puff from chinese bakery
+ green papaya salad - the basic, and the best item we had
+ beef jerky with sticky rice - tasted like pork chops cut up and deep fried
+ duck penang curry - duck in a coconut curry, lime leaves, etc.
+ pad thai with chicken
+ pad key mao - chinese "fun" or, drunken noodle

the crispy pork was nothing like any sort of twice-cooked pork belly, it was large chunks of irregularly cut pork, deep fried and then stir fried. but just bad. not light at all, over-fried so the corners got very tough, large inelegant chunks as opposed to slices, just bad.

both duck dishes were basically the same, slices of duck that were deep fried until dark brown and inedible, and then dowsed in sauce. in the case of the crispy duck, it was a stir fry and inedible. in the case of the curry, I asked them to put the curry in a bowl and please add about 3 times the amount of liquid to the bowl, since it was just a dry plate with a very shallow pool of curry on the bottom. I want to at least soak the duck into submission but, even that didn't work. nobody had a single piece of the duck, it was so dark and inedible.

the pad thai was gross; just a large mass of over-sweet noodles, no herbs, no peanuts, nothing of the grace that pad thai can possibly be. even the pad thai I've had from the blimpie place (is it still open?) was better than this.

the other noodle was basically chow fun, also sweet, but not as red. there were large chunks of chicken tossed on top, no fusion of flavor, nothing. just, a terrible dish. but, better than the pad thai.

the apps were okay, the curry puff was very skimpy on meat, and was basically a vegetable samosa but very sweet. the pastry was forgettable, and a curry puff or gah-lei-gao from any chinese bakery would kick its ass. the beef jerky was alright, just deep fried chunks of meat iwth a decent dipping sauce. and the salad was okay; not fresh, no separation of flavors like sri, very liquid, limp veg, and too many peanuts but at least, the freshest flavors.

so not sure if we ordered wrong, but I felt we had a decent range. I've had their whole fried fish which is okay, and I've had some of their noodle soups, but I felt we had some pretty representative dishes and it was across-the-board bad. service was a bit nuts, but that's okay since it was saturday and packed, but I am highly disappointed with the food, and disappointed that I've ever attached my name to this place via recs. I had a meal at sri a few weeks ago where I could STILL taste the flavor combinations; what we left with from this place is greasy mouthfeel. what's tough is that hell's kitchen's stretch along 9th ave is starting to look like chelsea on 8th ave with the number of rival restaurants, and to be specific, thai restaurants, but this place has the strength of reputation, but ultimately not of its food. it will ultimately be outpaced by some of the other area thai places (both old and new) if it continues to cook like this.

hungry haters up in this motherfucker

that's right I said it. motherfucker. 'cuz I curse a lot motherfucker, especially when I pay a lot for a shitty meal (I'm talking to you, Chang). word son, I'm angry, I'm a hater, I'm a hungry hater.